Bunny
I can't stop thinking about Julia's bunny. It's just a stuffed animal, but it was much more than that to Julia. Bunny was Julia's comfort. Julia slept with Bunny, sang Happy Birthday to Bunny, and carried Bunny everywhere. Sometimes her dad would play a trick on Julia and make Bunny "dance" in the crib while Julia watched the baby monitor in the other room, to her great delight.
On that last day when Julia was in the hospital, her bunny was in the washing machine so we couldn't take Bunny with us. I know she had me, but it still makes me really sad Julia didn't have Bunny with her then when she was hurting so much. When we were being discharged I said, "Julia, are you ready to go home to see Daddy and Bunny?" She leapt into my arms, pointed to the door, and said "That way!" As soon as she got home she tackled her Bunny like a football. She was so happy to be home, with all her comforts.
As an adult, sometimes I can think of comfort as foolish. I'm too old to believe that stuffed animals can dance. Shouldn't I be able to get through life with only God and not needing things like chocolate and hugs? But I think God has that mama heart for us. He wants us to be comforted when we're hurting. Not only does he want it, but he will go to great lengths to make sure we receive it.
One of the great mysteries to me as I process that last week of Julia's life is why I was on bedrest that week, for an IVF attempt that didn't succeed. What was the point? This week it dawned on me that if I wasn't on bedrest we would've been in Northern California the day that Julia died. I can't say that God put me through all that just to keep us home, but I do think that, in his sovereignty, he arranged it so Julia would be in her most comforting place possible when she experienced death. She was at home, with Daddy and Bunny right there, with PoPo on FaceTime, in her mama's arms. God cares about our comfort.
I got sick this week with a head cold. I've worried that sickness would prevent me from having my family and community around on the one-year anniversary of losing Julia. Today God told me, "Kelly, I will not deny you comfort. I want you to be comforted as much as you wanted Julia to have Bunny. I'm going to make sure that you've got your people this weekend." No sickness, not even death, will prevent God from comforting us in all the ways he knows we need it.
"I’m convinced that nothing can separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus our Lord: not death or life, not angels or rulers, not present things or future things, not powers or height or depth, or any other thing that is created." - Romans 8: 38-39 (CEB)